My Relived Memories, My Guardian Angel
by Carissawr
Summary: Cloud still struggles with himself and his life, after Zack's death. He knows a big part of his life with Zack is missing. So what happened? Progress with Cloud remembering and reliving memories/dreams with the help of his guardian Angel.


**My Relived Memories, My Guardian Angel **by **ClackCrackxD**

Authors Note: **My first fan fiction ever, so I'm definitely rusty. Not to mention, my first yaoi fiction too, so don't be too harsh please. Constructive criticism is always welcome, please tell me what you think considering how this is my first time and everything. (Oh god, I'm already messing up, not in the sexual first time way. XD)**

Rating: **M (Although, it isn't needed now, I think it would be safe, because in later chapters there shall be some smut, but be patient. xP)**

Note: **_Italics _are dreams and/or memories.**

**I think that's all. Peace. -Hippie- ;3**

Disclaimer: **I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of the characters in Final Fantasy VII. All rights go to Squareenix. I make no profit, this is purely fan made. Please don't sue, I'm poor.**

Special Thanks: **Your shoes by Michele Roberts. I found it in my English Anthology, and it really inspired me to finally write a Clack fanfic, since I've been wanting to write one for a while. It helped me start off the beginning but the story in itself is not the same at all. Only, a bit of the opening is similar words.  
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I knew you as well as I know this burning emotion towards you. No secret places, nothing in you I couldn't see. I realise how you kept yourself from me, yet you went to such drastic measures. Why!

You're not here any longer, so how can I speak to you? You can't speak to someone who isn't there. Only insane people talk to inanimate objects, objects that hold memories, they think they will be able to relive them, as if they are reacting out that little piece of their hopeless life.

However, I'm only half-insane, I will heave the rust of metal, with grief, I would pick it up, slowly, tearfully, and stab it into the dry dirty ground, the ground that I despise so much after what happened. The dust of the ground, it flows with the breeze, wanting to get away, from that hard harsh ground, just like you wanted to flow with the breeze, how I admired that about you so much. But, just like you said, the price of freedom is steep, it echoes in my mind right now, and every word from your soft lips are engraved in my heart.

Bam. That triggered it, I was thinking too much, I couldn't stop my knees from failing, I was having a panic attack, again. Why do I do this to myself? I wish I could help it, it's hard though. Even now, you still have the same effect on me, ever unchanging.

The regret, the pain, it's there. But I have to deal with it, I have to, I could never not deal with it, I could never break that sweet promise we made together.

Open and close, open and close, was the routine my eye lids were obeying, I kept getting the glimpses of a dream, my dream, the same dream I always have of you. But, maybe, something tells me it's not just a dream but a memory, a very distant one, yet it's strange, this couldn't of happened, you never even knew how of my feelings towards you. It's only what my subconscious is deeply desiring…

_I'm standing on water, gazing into the sky, sky that is clear and bright and that is reflected by clear cold water. I see the same thing every time, I do the same thing every time, I always see a white pure feather, gently swaying down until it softly crashes on the water._

__

I always speak the same words, always thought the same words, "Those wings, I want them too."But this time, this dream was different, sure, the setting was exactly alike but the feather, I couldn't see it, I never realized I would feel so unsafe by the fact that I couldn't see it but I felt isolated and insecure. It felt like a lifetime, waiting for anything to come, waiting to get out of this place but I couldn't move, I felt like a stone, so secure in place but inside, I was bursting to break free.

Then, I saw it…I saw him. He was an angel, so peaceful and innocent. Coming to rescue me? I reached out for his hand, I felt reassured, what's the worst that could happen? But, as soon as I grabbed his hand that's when I saw him. Saw the one and only who will forever have my heart.

In the flash of a second, the setting changed. I am, in his apartment…his sun kissed skin, his sharp delicate features, his strong muscles…every part of that glorious body is lying next to me…wait what?

The shock of being in his apartment, and lying next to my greatly desired, made me awake suddenly, as if it had been a nightmare. No! No, no, no, it was perfect there, why did I wake up, are you supposed to wake up from your most cherished dreams? I groaned. I just realized, I was lying on that disgusting ground from whence I fell hours ago…I heaved myself up, I've got to get stronger, be fearless, well, at least look it…I know deep inside I'm far from fearless, I'm the complete opposite.

I have to go see Tifa, she's probably worrying about me. I sigh.

I picked myself up above the dust, as I looked out to the almost hopeful horizon - almost, because for me, now, nothing could be completely hopeful in my fragile life - I felt like my eyes were deceiving me, am I dreaming? Or is that really a feather I see? I wait, I wait for it to land quietly in my hand. As it does, I think of _him. _The feather…it's a sign, I can feel it. He's calling me, but what for? Maybe, I'm not only half-insane, maybe I'm fully insane. It certainly seems that way now.

I thought I didn't know _you _anymore. The way you acted towards me, so kind, always there, always supporting, joking and care free with me. But then, you changed, how could I know you then? Ignoring me. And then you go and protect my life! It makes no sense. But still we promised each other…I relive the memory, as I hold your mighty buster sword as if it would disappear, as you seemed to…

_I was weak, and weary physically, mentally and emotionally. I tried to help, I tried so hard, but all my efforts were pointless, I couldn't do anything, because I couldn't move. I heard everything; the pounding rain, the bloodstained gunshots, your tired groans; smelt rust and dirt; feeling the touch of the muddy earth; but nothing else. It gave me so much torture. It was all my fault._

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I kept forcing myself, and pushing myself to move, to be strong, if not for myself than for you, at least. I crawled, and it hurt in more ways than one, the ground felt like it was crushing me, my heart felt like it was crushing me, I was so afraid. I saw you there, my sight was blurry from where I was but I knew you was not deserving of how you looked in that state, looked like a fallen angel, it was shameful to see you like this, fragile, weak, powerless, that's not the Zack I know, damn it! As I got nearer, my vision got clearer, blood. Deep dark red blood, was intimidating.

"Z..zack." My voice was breaking already, yet I still whispered his name with deep admiration.

"Cl..cloud…ugh, pro..promise me." Hearing his voice like this, frail, weak, slow, sad, made the tears spill out of my sore eyes rapidly.

"Anything.", undoubtedly, I really would promise him anything, I already knew that.

"This isn't your fault.. It..it.. isn't your fault…promi…, egh…you'll be … my living legacy…" The Angel coughed up blood. It was so hurtful to watch. And I couldn't do anything! "..be safe, for me, never let go of… your dreams. Cherish everything…promise me you'll do that…and promise me, that it isn't your fault…say it."

"It…" I was weeping at this point. "It isn't my…fault…" I sniffled the words, they meant nothing to me because I didn't believe them, although I was denying it, but I did try to believe it, for Zack.

He pulled me with the remaining strength he had, onto his chest, as I could hear his dying heartbeat, and as he stroked my hair, I realized, love can't conquer all as I once thought it could. I'm such a hopeless romantic, eh?

…That's it, the end of my memories with Zack. The last memory I have. I know there's more to the memory though. I wish, I could remember the rest of the it, I know it's there but it's just pitch-black.

I still try my hardest to believe it isn't my fault, but I…

I was wrong, I do know _you, __still__. Although, I feel like there is a big part of my life missing, one big piece that is so significant but I can't reach it, and I don't know why. I have to find out. Those dreams I always have. No, I think it wasn't a dream, it was too clear, just like remembering our promise is a memory, the apartment is a… it's a memory. It has to be. I need to find out what happened. Why I can't remember the most precious part in my life and why? I bow my head down towards the pure feather in my coarse hands, as I clasp and tightly shut my hand, I realize. Zack. He's guiding me to where I belong, to help me find myself, there's a chance, I'll be completely hopeful again, is it possible love will be able to conquer death in the end? I'd be wrong multiple times if it is so. _


End file.
